The Five Year Plan (Three Months Tops)

SIMON: A slightly different monologue today. If you've ever wondered what the view looks like from the actual fans worrying about the drop zone, this is for you. Global Strategic update. Mosper PLC integrated. Growth strategy. As we move into the final fiscal quarter of the 25/26 cycle, we're pleased to announce that we have an iterative leadership opportunity in respect of which we are currently analyzing the Zerbe data. Internal metrics are focused on a CONT style deployment. Director Mr. Langer has assured the board that Mr. Zerbe has won and would represent a stable appointment. We are of course cognizant of the Greenwood adjacent feedback from our social responsibility partners, and we're currently blue-skying a PR mitigation strategy that prioritizes brand safety. On the pitch, we are optimizing our medical outcomes. Mr. D. K. Sevki is currently undergoing a post-procedural recalibration phase, and we can confirm that Mr. J. Madison is active on the grass. Regarding our transfer strategy, Mr. L. of Vic's market valuation has experienced exponential growth without a single minute of Spurs tax depreciation. This represents a perfect buy low, sell high opportunity and the board is minded to accept an offer in excess of 5 million pounds for Mr. M. Moore. We've been made aware of a so-called Spurs Way. Our data-driven model suggests that sentimentality is a non-performing asset. We've been tasked by our primary beneficiary, Mr. Lewis, to ensure the stadium remains a world-class multi-use venue and fortress. So thank you for your kind attention as we continue to move the goalposts.

[WELCOME & INTRO]

SIMON: Strap in. It's Nice One Cyril.

SPEAKER: Nice one Silk.

SIMON: So welcome to Nice One Cyril. With me today are Julie Welch, who's seen it all and still can't believe this mess. There's Kev Cott, who's seen most of it and yet he still thinks we're staying up. A welcome back to Rob White, who has Spurs running through his veins and he's currently bleeding out. I'm Simon Lipson. So let's see — we are at about ten past six on Monday the 30th of March. It's looking increasingly like Spurs are going to appoint one Robert De Zerbe, if all the Garys in the Spursphere are to be believed. Let's start with you, Kev.

KEV: Sorry, I'm just laughing, Simon. I'm laughing because I don't want to answer your question. I gave up. I realized several weeks ago there was a good option, it might as well be him really. The fact that we don't know — anyway, if it is him, is this till the end of the season if we stay up, then a full-time permanent contract? It's quite hard to make any rational judgment on it. What's clear is that him and the owners haven't always got on particularly well, and given the correctness of our owners, the chances of him getting on with them for any lengthy period seems pretty slim. But he knows that and they know that. And you would hope some kind of agreement regarding the squad — if he does come to us, stays and we stay up, that the squad is improved. He's not an idiot. He's not going to come without those agreements. But then you could have said that about our previous 27 managers in the last two years. None of them were stupid either. They must have got some kind of guarantee.

SIMON: And you say he knows that and they know that — they don't know anything, Kev, with all due respect. They literally know nothing. My feeling about the board is that they vaguely heard of this bloke De Zerbe and thought, throw enough money at him, whoever the hell he is, we'll take him on.

[DE ZERBE: IS HE THE RIGHT MAN?]

SIMON: Rob, we're talking as though this is a done deal. It may not be, but let's work on that basis. My concern about De Zerbe — and there are lots — one is that his track record is pretty mediocre. I've called him a pound shop Conte. He's got all of that mad, vain, glorious stupidity without any of the achievement. Is that a concern, or do you think he's the right guy to motivate the boys for seven games and then take us to winning the league championship next year?

ROBERT: I could start with a very bad pun, which is that sometimes in life you get what you deserve. I honestly don't know what has changed since the last manager was appointed — if anything, this job has become worse. It again makes no sense whatsoever. What was the question four weeks ago that he couldn't answer about taking this job? My suspicion is that Tudor was the cheaper route, which has blown up in everyone's face, and now we're going back to De Zerbe with an increased offer — name your price, we'll give you a five-year contract. Yet another thing that just does not make any sense. And I'm doubly annoyed because I've just had my Tudor rally tattoos on the knuckles of each hand and it's going to cost a fortune to get rid of those.

SIMON: You jumped the gun with the tats. There are other issues with De Zerbe. Can't believe how many Spurs fans are saying no to him. Now that brings me to the Greenwood comments.

[THE GREENWOOD CONTROVERSY & MORALITY IN FOOTBALL]

SIMON: He said, "It saddens me what's happened to him because I know a very different person from the one portrayed in England. He's a good guy. He paid a heavy price for what happened, a very heavy price." What is your feeling about the morality of this, Julie?

JULIE: All I will say is that men almost always stick up for other men. It is just what it is. Women always stick up for other women. At that stage he was obviously a very unpleasant man, but they have two children and things have obviously moved on.

SIMON: Kev, matters of morality do come into play at every level of football. Here's a guy who's going to be our manager. I think it's naive of him to say what he said. I'm a great believer in redemption. But we all heard that tape. It was horrific. Battery was alleged and there were no charges in the end. But we all heard that tape, Kev. I find it rather vile that we are considering him for that reason.

KEV: I don't know either. I think morality and football have been drifting further and further apart for so long. I don't want that to mean we can just ignore anything anyone does or says. I can think of half a dozen Tottenham players over the years who have done things that we are aware of that have been pretty awful. There's a bigger question which I'm struggling with — the whole of football, supporting this club, the business corporate end of football which has taken over our club and been part of pushing us towards relegation. You look at Newcastle fans — there was a small group who are saying we will not support the club while they're owned by Saudi Arabia. I'd like to think if some dreadful owners came along I would take the same stand. But I also just have a nagging feeling I'd find a way out and say, but it's Tottenham. If he becomes our manager, would it stop me going? Would it stop me wanting him to do his best for us? No. And I don't like myself for that.

SIMON: I agree. I'll still go and watch. Where does football become the thing we're all about and we sweep under the carpet things that trouble us?

[ZERBE'S PLAYING STYLE: CAN IT WORK AT SPURS?]

SIMON: A lot of talk about us not needing a new broom — we don't need another bloke trying to impose his unique style because we've got seven games to save ourselves. What Tudor was trying to do didn't work. What we actually need is someone to simplify the game for these players and give them some confidence.

ROBERT: I agree. Can I just circle back — this is yet another example of the club not listening to their fans. Why are the club setting up supporter groups like the FAB, the umbrella that's supposed to be the voice of fans, and then not listening to them on really serious matters? Back to your question — De Zerbe is famous for playing out from the back. We know how well that goes. He's got seven games. What's that, ten and a half hours of football? I don't understand how quickly somebody's going to be able to act within this scenario.

SIMON: Yeah, shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. Julie, we talk about the Spurs Way — the idea that any of the players are going to buy into it? They're professionals, they're mercenaries, they're there and then they're gone. The Spurs Way is irrelevant. What is relevant is getting them to play simply and intelligently and with a bit of confidence.

JULIE: Yeah, and this is a guy who according to Wikipedia favors a deep double pivot, whatever the hell that is. I think he might get a tune out of them. At least he's managed in the Prem, which the last guy hadn't. I think he might do a job for us. The scenario I imagine is he just about manages to keep us up, then goes into next season. He left Brighton after irreconcilable differences about transfer policy. So he's just the guy for us, isn't he? You called him the pound shop Conte. I call him the discount Conte. He's a fleur. He's got all his own hair, so there is that. I just want to inject a bit of optimism. He may have signed on the dotted line as we speak, or maybe he never will. But if De Zerbe comes in, I won't say I'd be deliriously happy, but I'd rather him than anybody else who's been mentioned.

SIMON: We watched Ange playing out from the back for a couple of seasons and it was always seat-of-the-pants stuff. There was a bit of film online today of Brighton under De Zerbe playing the most high-risk playing out you've ever seen. They were being closed down like nobody's business. But we haven't got those players, have we?

KEV: We haven't. It would be absurd to base the way we play on that. De Zerbe is not stupid and he's got seven games — he's not going to demand that. We can't do it. Vicario is not the right keeper. Our defenders are not the right defenders for that. We need to play Sam Allardyce type football, play people in position. I think if they do that we've got a chance. Two or three wins and we've got a chance. De Zerbe is not stupid. I'm going to keep saying this until I believe it.

SIMON: You haven't made a believer out of me yet. Got seven games left — whoever comes in, the stakes for them are low. It's the Alan Shearer thing: nothing sticks to you as a result. What does it matter?

ROBERT: I think we all sound as confused as the Tottenham board. It's got to be as simple as just getting the right players to play in the right positions. Our best players are the ones that don't play every week. And once they play every week, they're not our best players. It's like a riddle — which Spurs players are the best players? The ones on the bench. We've only got to win three games, realistically. I can see that happening. We've only won two home games all season, but somewhere in there these players must have some memory of that great away run at the start of the season. Maybe something will just click into place.

SIMON: You haven't convinced me. "We've only got to win three games" — this is the team that can barely win one. But it may just take one win, one that goes in off someone's bum, against the odds, backs to the wall. If West Ham lose against Wolves and we win, we've suddenly got a gap. There are lots of permutations still.

[REASONS FOR OPTIMISM]

SIMON: Have we got genuine reasons for optimism beyond whoever the manager is?

JULIE: I feel strangely optimistic. For a start, De Zerbe has got pedigree to earn him the respect of the players, which Tudor didn't have. I'd like to challenge the general assumption that the players lack confidence. I think they just don't know what to do because they've had so many changes. Players just need to know: when I'm in that situation, what am I going to do? A lot of what's been going on, the players just didn't know what they were being asked to do next. It's not lack of confidence — a lot of it is bafflement. De Zerbe knows what he wants. He's not a guy who hems and haws. If he tells them what he wants, maybe that's half the battle. He got Brighton into Europe at one stage. If there is any guy who's going to get us out of trouble, then it's going to be this guy. I don't think all is lost yet.

[CLUB CHAOS: SPORTING DIRECTOR SEARCH & PR DISASTERS]

SIMON: We've been in talks about getting another director. How stupid are this club to let that slip into the public domain? We've got enough troubles. Who cares about the sporting director? What we care about is not getting relegated. The club does not get what the fans are enduring right now.

KEV: I don't care particularly about the sporting director. I saw today they're advertising the summer tour of New Zealand. As many people on Twitter said — great timing, you've really read the room. It's just poor PR, thoughtlessness, not valuing fans, living in a very different bubble. To be fair to Levy — and I'm not trying to resurrect him — he did sort of get what fans wanted. He had some understanding of football and of Tottenham fans. None of this lot appear to at all.

[TWEETS OF THE WEEK]

SIMON: Here's my favorite. I have it on good authority that Daniel Levy has been asked by Joe Lewis to hire the next manager and sort this mess out. And here's a funny one — due to scheduled hernia surgery, Tottenham's keeper Vicario is expected to miss at least two managers. Fulham manager Marco Silva is one of the managers being internally discussed by Tottenham — internally, right, normally they'd discuss it with all of us. And sources in Spain believe Atletico would be reluctant to go beyond 26 million for Romero with not all decision-making members sold on him.

[ROOM 101]

SIMON: Let's have a bit of levity. Room 101. Rob, what have you got?

ROBERT: My object of anger at the moment is the trumpeter in the South Stand. He's got two options: he either goes, or he plays something more upbeat — I'm thinking Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass, A Spanish Flea, something along those lines. Or the third option: we replace him with an ice hockey-style organ that knows how to play the March of the Clowns. Perhaps that's what we should go for.

SIMON: Magical stuff. Julie, can you beat that?

JULIE: I can't better it. The trumpeter just lends itself to jokes about the Last Post. Final home game of the season, we're relegated, all that sort of stuff. I can't beat that.

SIMON: Kev?

KEV: Room 101: I hate booing. I've never booed and never will.

SIMON: Good supplementary 101. My contributions: one — don't ever say "revert back" or "reverse back." Just don't do it. And two — Spurs fans using the word "reactionary." It means you oppose political or social progress. It's extreme conservatism. It's not reacting in a knee-jerk fashion. That's reacting. I'm sorry to be a pompous grammar Nazi, but someone's got to say it.

[GUESS THE OBSCURE SPURS PLAYER]

SIMON: I've got a new feature — Guess the Obscure Spurs Player. Cryptic clue, a stat, and a where are they now. Kev: I scored nine goals in one Under-17 World Cup, Spurs fans thought I was the new Berbatov, but I never played a single minute for the first team.

KEV: No idea at all.

SIMON: Signed from Siena in 2011 for 1.5 million pounds. His namesake is a lead economist at the World Bank. He was last seen playing in the French lower league, specifically Chantilly, now transitioning into youth coaching.

KEV: I have no idea.

SIMON: It is in fact Soleimani Kebe. Now one for you, Rob: Glenn Hoddle gave me a nickname I could never live up to. I was signed to replace Sol Campbell. He called me the Balkan Beckenbauer.

ROBERT: I'm stumped.

SIMON: 51 appearances for Spurs between 2001 and 2006. Signed from Red Star Belgrade. And the final clue — he's dead.

ROBERT: It's Goran Bunjevcevic!

SIMON: Correct! Julie — I moved from Man United to Standard Liège to Spurs in a circuitous deal Alex Ferguson called a disgrace. Nine substitute appearances in 2013. Spent more time at Ipswich and Rotherham than at Spurs.

JULIE: No clue whatsoever.

SIMON: He went to Sweden, Greece, Romania. Now retired, a professional poker player and property investor. It's Zeki Fryers! We thought he was the next Ledley King. And finally, first come first served: I was the emergency captain signed from a relegated rival. I once led my country to a World Cup clean sheet against Italy. Only played eight times for Spurs. Signed in the January 2012 window from Blackburn Rovers. Legendary New Zealand centre-back.

ALL: Ryan Nelson!

SIMON: Rob wins two-nil. Well done.

[ANY OTHER BUSINESS]

ROBERT: Just harking back to last week — obviously everyone's discussed the coach arrival, but I also had the thought that the players should have been made to walk home along the High Road.

SIMON: Harks back to the good old days when players used to go home on the bus.

JULIE: There was a time when you did actually meet players in the players' lounge. Those days are over, I'm afraid.

SIMON: When I used to work on Radio 5 Live, we'd get sporting stars in every week. My overriding impression of nearly every sports star I met was that they were just boring and dull. Apart from Frank Bruno — he was very funny before the mics were turned on, then he turned on the character. Rob, have you ever met one of your heroes and wished you hadn't?

[SIGN-OFF]

SIMON: We've come to the end of this week's pod. My thanks to Kevin Cott, Rob White, and Julie Welch. You can follow us on Twitter at NiceOneCyrilPod. Our website is www.niceonecyrilpodcast.co.uk — all our episodes are on there. Give us a follow on social media and a subscribe on the podcast platform of your choosing. We'll be back. Come on you Spurs